we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
