Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
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