The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
