I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
