I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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