I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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