i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize