It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
