So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
