Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Dignity is for republicans.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
