My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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