I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
