I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
