wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
