I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My ass is underappreciated
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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