Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
