there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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