mondays should just be called national damage control day
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
