dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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