I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
