You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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