im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize