The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
