We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
