I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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