I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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