Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
All I want is dick and wine.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
