I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
What a dumb baby whore.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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