Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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