thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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