That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
