Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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