The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
