You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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