did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
