If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
