all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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