I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize