I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
