Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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