apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
