look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
