it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
