Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
