told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
