1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
