My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
