somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
