he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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