My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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