Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
If I die, sorry about rent.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
