you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
