I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
