how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I wear drunk well.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
