Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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