omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
