Little spoons don't ask big questions
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think your dad took our porno
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
