When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
