Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
