The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
