Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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